How to Name the Elephant in the Room

...without getting sat on

This article is partly adapted from a Medium article I wrote a few years ago. Any typos or errors are entirely due to the original author.

Have you ever noticed that weird feeling in a room, when someone says a thing, and everyone else just…goes quiet? Or tenses up? Or “acts weird”?

When people are “acting weird”, it’s almost always because there is an elephant in the room: an invisible wall that people bump up against, so that they can’t act or interact in the way you’d expect. They’re avoiding something — something in themselves, something in another person, something in the group. Often, they couldn’t even tell you what.

Every room is filled with elephants. Some are tiny, some are big. The elephant of attraction. The elephant of anxiety. The elephant of “I never responded to your message”. The elephant of “I don’t feel like I belong.”

If we were to try spotlighting all of these elephants, we might never have time for anything else. High-anxiety people and hierarchical groups especially have a lot of elephants, and they don’t always need to be spoken — or (my preference) while it’s always good to speak them, they don’t always need to be discussed or changed.

Some elephants have become features of the room. We hang lampshades on them, and they feel like home.

you knew this one was coming

However, sometimes, elephants get big enough that they’re squeezing out other things we care about. “That weird feeling in the room” shows up every time Bob walks in, and nobody can have normal conversations around him. That’s a big elephant. “Amy and Aurash have an abusive relationship and everyone knows it”. That’s a big elephant.

When a recurring feeling or experience stands between you and comfort or closeness with those in your group, it’s time to pet the elephant.

The longer it stands there, the harder it will become to point out that neither of you have been brave enough to bring up the obvious invisible.

Petting the elephant is a delicate task. I could write an entire book on it. Since I’d rather publish this article in less than a year, I’m going to give some tips here; just remember that this is more of an art than a science. It’s a Jedi skill that you must practice carefully, for it can have both transformative and destructive effects.

A Few Large Caveats

Before we get into elephant-handling, I want to give a disclaimer.

Elephants are large and in charge. They have inertia. If they don’t want to move, they’ll be stubborn about it; they’ll knock over your prized possessions, make a lot of noise, and pee on things on their way out of the room. To be less metaphorical: if you call something out that nobody wants to look at, it will screw with the feng shui of your whole group, and may even crush aspects you care about.

Believe me. I’ve been there. At a womens’ retreat a few weeks ago, an especially bright and beautiful member of the group said “I feel like I’m talking a lot,” to which I responded, “You’re talking more than other people. But, you’re an alpha female in this group, so people are predisposed to listen to you and won’t resent you for it. Go ahead!”

She didn’t exactly feel reassured.

Handle elephants carefully. Just because you can see them, doesn’t mean you have to say them. Just because you name them, doesn’t mean they’ll go away.

All that being said — let’s get to the elephants!

How to Pet Your Elephant