4 Tips for Keeping Your Friends

Keep 'em coming back for more.

Hey friends,

It’s Sara on a Substack! Thank you to all who have just joined. I really appreciate your attention and support. I’m going to use this Substack to keep myself accountable for writing at least 3 days a week, and the contributions will make me feel like my work here is valuable. (If you want to leave comments, those will help too ;)

Without further ado, on to the article. (Listicle? If I include data, does that make it a statisticle? I’m done now, I promise.*):

*Content warning: by showing up to this Substack, you tacitly agree to subject yourself to bad jokes of the writer’s choice.

Tip 1: Choose Your Commitments

Let’s imagine a math problem.

Jenny has two close friends, and Jeremy has five. Jenny wants to deepen her friendship with Jeremy, but Jeremy has commitments every night that he wants to be social. How long will Jenny and Jeremy’s connection last?

The answer is: who knows, but it will eventually become the kind of thing where the two of them only say hi at parties. I call that being acquaintances, not friends. The difference is which you can call when your emotions break down on the side of the highway.

There are so many people to hang out with. Choose the ones you want and make an effort. It’s like online dating: swiping right gets you to the first message; the time on messages gets you a date; time on dates gets you a relationship. With each step, the time you need to spend increases, and the number of relationships you can engage in at that level decreases.

To avoid the overwhelm (or underwhelm), when you go out and social, first ask yourself: “What kind of connections am I looking for?” If it helps, you can think of your search within the following model:

IMO we need all these circles, but to different degrees. Some of us (known as “extroverts”) need more people in their outer circles than others do. Others are fine with one or two inner-circle friends.

If someone asks you to attend a party or event, ask yourself: “Which of these circles am I still looking to fill?” or “will anyone from a circle with whom I want to build more connection will be there?” or even “Can I invite them to go with me?”

In other words: if you’re Jeremy, and you don’t want more close friends, don’t tell Jenny that you’re available for lunch.

Tip 2: Keep Consistency

I have a second (inner) circle friend from college. Her name is Annie, and she is The Best. We don’t share a lot of community, so we have to make an effort to see each other.

The strongest times in our 13 years of friendship were those where we had hangouts scheduled, every week. We had regular calls while I was out of the country for a few seasons, and now we run together every Thursday. I spend more time driving to and from these runs than I do on the time together. It is still worth it.

It is hard to align schedules these days. Choose a regular hangout. Let consistency do the work for you. Then, do the work to keep that consistency. If you need to change your hangout one week, take agency for re-scheduling it. And make those re-schedules the exception, not the norm.

If one of you keeps missing or changing the hangouts, talk about whether the shared activity and/or time is the right one for you both.

When you fall off the wagon, get back on it, and pull the other person up.

Consistency is a rare thing these days, and thus a lovely gift to give. Make the effort and the friendship will reward you tenfold. If it doesn’t, on to the next principle…

Tip 3: Live By (and Beware of) the Reciprocity Principle

According to Robert Cialdini, author of the book Influence, the Reciprocity Principle says that “people are obliged to give back to others the form of a behavior, gift, or service that they have received first.”

In other words: if you give someone a thing (time, attention, objects) they will feel morally obligated to give you something back.

We can see this principle at work in the places it gets violated. For instance, why do we get so upset when someone “dominates” the conversation? It’s because we feel that our listening should be met with the same in return.

We don’t like to think of relationships as transactional. But, at a deep level, we do track how much others have given us relative to what we have given them. Only codependent people keep around those who have tipped the scales, time and again, in their own direction.

Trust the Reciprocity Principle. If you want to deepen a friendship, show up for your friends in times when they need you. Most will remember and do the same. Give generously and, science sayeth, you will reap what you sow.

Even as you follow this principle, watch it carefully. It is very easy for others to hook you into their own circles even if you don’t want to be there. Don’t let a fourth-circle lunch invitation turn into an endless string of mediocre hangouts. Always come back to that question: “What am I really looking for?”

Tip 4: Adapt to Reality Without Giving Up

My friendships have changed over time.

For instance, my friends with babies (or partners, or demanding jobs) have less time to hang out. They can’t come over to my house as often; I have to come to them. Their attention is elsewhere when we do hang. The reciprocity calculation has to change, and consistency looks different.

My first reaction to these changes is often to feel left out. “How could they have chosen something over me? Doesn’t my friendship matter to them? Haven’t I invested enough in this?”

That mindset sees friendship as a single room to inhabit. In reality, the room is part of a giant house. I need a relationship with the full person, not just the room I started in.

If I accompany my friend to these new rooms - going on double dates with her and her new partner; visiting her and her baby - there is a higher chance that I will be invited back.

Adaptation can happen within the day-to-day of a relationship. It can also happen around the relationship as a whole. If a friend starts to newly lapse in their commitments, you should watch to see if they have bumped you into a different circle of connection.

This happened with one of my best, second-circle friends in the last few years. It was intensely painful and I fought it for a long time, then resented her for filling those inner spaces with other people. “Didn’t I reciprocate enough?” I asked myself.

The fact is, the Reciprocity Principle isn’t the most powerful force out there. Love is. And what kind of love people need can differ throughout their lives. I couldn’t give this friend romantic partnership, or a large community, or funding for their projects.

So I’ve decreased my commitment. Instead of pursuing hangouts and talks, I let them initiate. I stay in the foyer of their house and let them know that I am open to coming in further, should they ever want it.

Did it take time and tears to get to that point? Yes. But I haven’t lost them, and I don’t resent them anymore. I’ve adapted to reality without giving them up.

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I hope this article helps you deepen your own friendships. In an age of disconnection, I believe consistent love is one of the most revolutionary acts we can do.

Your authentic revolutionary,

Sara Ness