The Path to (Mostly) Effortless Connection

How to be socially anxious but still socially connected

Last night, I was at a party that I really didn’t want to go to.

It wasn’t because the people were boring. No - they were fascinating. The venue was beautiful. The food was good.

I was just feeling antisocial, awkward, and tired. I didn’t want to be seen by anyone, let alone fascinating people who I should connect with for some vague reason involving words such as “networking” and “friendship”.

Luckily, these are the moments I’ve practiced for. Within half an hour, I’d started a conversation at the dinner table that had all 12 people engaged in a fascinating discussion, and I’d connected with several of them 1:1 in ways that created reciprocal bonds.

This article is on how to do it. Whether you’re anxious, neurodivergent, or socially competent, you should be able to use these skills. (Tho if you’re already socially competent maybe you can teach me some of your ways, too 😁)

The skills contained here lead to mostly effortless connection. “Mostly”, because it’s still hard to get over internal anxiety and motivation blocks (at least for me). But if you can get yourself to the event, you can use this skills so at least the outside world will think you’re a fabulous social connector.

Over time, perhaps you’ll come to believe it, too.

P.S. I’m writing these skills within the context of a discrete event, like a party, conference, or retreat. But many of them are applicable even in the coffeeshop or grocery store, especially Skill 2 (“The 30/70 Rule”).

Skill 1: Find Safe Spaces

Let’s say you arrive at a party, dinner, or event. You know a few people but many are strangers. The space is new to you as well. You want to be open, but your body is stiff and locked up. You hang out near the snack table or the door, unable to move from one spot, or meander ceaselessly through the party. You feel like everyone’s eyes are on you, and at the same time, like nobody notices you at all.

In short: You don’t feel safe.

What’s up with that? Why do we anxious people have an instant feeling of “I’m not safe” when we enter new environs?

I believe this happens because we don’t have safe spaces to retreat to. We learn and grow by moving from safety to unsafety and back again. If there is no safety to be found, we can’t titrate, and we get overwhelmed.

How can we find safe spaces even when we don’t know the environment we’re stepping into?

There are 3 options:

• Space

• Self

• Other people

Safe Zones

When you walk into an event, deliberately choose a “Safe Zone”. Imagine this as a version of the Floor is Lava game we used to play as kids. Yeah. Used to play. 😜

Your Safe Zone is where you can go if you feel overwhelmed. Perhaps it is by the snack table, or in the bathroom, or on the back porch. Perhaps it’s under a tree you like, or on a particular couch. You can choose a place that will open you to sociability, or one that will give you time alone. You can even choose one of each. You’ll find yourself gravitating towards one or two spots anyways, so you might as well make them intentional.

Imbue this zone with your sense of self. Imagine that every time you go there, you’ll feel safe-ish. Return to it throughout the event, and notice how you feel stepping in and out of “safety” versus not having it at all.

Safety in Others

It’s dangerous at parties. Don’t go alone.

Any event I go to, I tend to ask one person to be my Awkward Buddy. We have a pre-made pact that anytime one of us feels awkward, we can join the other’s conversation. I make this pact most often with my husband (at this point, it’s implied), but when we have other friends around, I try to make it with one of them instead. This opens me to new experiences, and deepens that existing connection.

I also find a lot of safety in touch. It calms my nervous system in a way that nothing else does. So, sometimes, I’ll seek out a friend on a couch not so I can join their conversation but just so I can sit with some physical contact. When I feel more regulated, and there is a space to join in, I’ll begin to contribute.

Me at most parties

Important note on this. Do not spend the entire evening with your Awkward Buddy, or in your safe space. This is a touch-point, not a home. If you want effortless connection, you have to - well - try to connect!

Self Safety

One time, before a gathering, I tried an experiment. In the car on the way there, I closed my eyes, and I remembered all the nice things people had said about me in the past. I thought about accomplishments and compliments. When I went into the event, my confidence was at an all-time high, and I felt like people would be lucky to talk with me.

How awesome we present as tends to depend on our self-perception. The more awesome we think we are, the better we present ourselves, and the better others see us. It’s a virtuous (or on the flip side, destructive) cycle.

Decide that you’re awesome ahead of time. Have a friend ready to tell you that you are anytime you forget. Prepare some good questions or topics you want to discuss. Go in girded like a gladiator with the greatness that is you.

Skill 2: The 30/70 Rule

You’ve made it to the event. You’ve affirmed your awesomeness, found your safe zone and your Awkward Buddy. Now you just need to…figure out how to interact.

Next up below the paywall: How do you start great conversations? How do you keep them going when they falter? And, what do you do to create bonds of reciprocity that last well beyond an event?