What Kind of Bad Communicator Are You?

Introducing the Dark Art-chetypes

Let’s face it, we’re all shitty communicators when we’re mad.

Yes, dear reader, even you. Even me, the Queen of Authenticity. I’m extra “authentic” when I’m angry. I have so many feelings that need to be spoken, so many logical arguments for why I’m right, so much false empathy pasted on top of beliefs about why you’re actually wrong.

I and my collaborators Geof Krum and Peter Benjamin have lately had a lot of fun mapping out a new class we want to teach, called Defense Against the Dark Arts.

I wrote a little about the Dark Arts way back in January, in one of the first posts on this Substack. Geof and Peter are expert thinkers and reality-manipulators, and I’m a perfect communicator, so who better to teach the class than the three of us? 😁

As part of our class prep, we’ve been mapping out what the Dark Arts actually are. Surprisingly, the OED’s definition is pretty accurate:

Dark Arts (n.) - 1. Sorcery or black magic, 2. Techniques or practices that are regarded as mysterious or dishonorable.

The second definition is the one we’re working with. Dark Arts are communication moves usually involving the use of resource, status, or authority power. They are performed, often unconsciously, to get our way in conversations.

The problem with using the Dark Arts is that if someone realizes you’re doing it, it breaks the social contract. You may then be ostracized from groups and relationships you care about.

For instance, if you often discredit other people at work, you may find yourself low on the social totem pole. If you play the victim too often, people may stop wanting to hang out with you. If you tell others “You’re being unreasonable” in arguments, they may begin to think the same of you.

Also, since these moves often involve the use of power, they are not good at creating the sort of equal status that characterizes fulfilling relationships.

When we do use the Dark Arts is when we’re mad. Almost all of us do it then.

Why? I have an opinion on this. I just made it up.

The Dark Art of logic control, aka how I feel about this opinion

I subscribe to the “parts” theory of the self, á la IFS. We have multiple aspects of ourselves. Each of these aspects may even be different ages, depending on when they developed and how much they’ve been allowed out to play in the world.

For most of us, anger is an undeveloped part. Our parents shut down our displays of anger - tantrums, sulking, manipulation if they could see it - in childhood. Such displays are socially unsuitable.

Thus, our anger self is less developed than the rest of us. It hasn’t been allowed out as much. When it emerges it’s still that 3-year-old trying to get the upper hand, looking for attention or wanting to win.

How is it that we try to win?

A List of the Dark Arts

Geof, Peter, AI and I made the most comprehensive Dark Arts list we could a few weeks back. I’ve summarized some of the main moves below. And, because of who I am as a person…I’m making a quiz of Dark Art-chetypes where you, too, can assess what kind of bad communicator you are. 😂 That will be provided to paid Substack subscribers in a whenever I finish it amount of time.

(Side note: I am really into quizzes because I spent most of last year building a program called the Relating Languages, much of which revolved around psychometrics. If you want to try out the quiz I built for that, you can do so here. There is a tiny 5-minute version and a much more in-depth version, for which I did the research. It’s also for communication styles. Yes, I have a theme.)

Note that we ALL do ALL of these. You may see actions in each that make you think, “But that’s just normal…isn’t it?”

Remember that the line between the Dark Arts and the Grey Arts is very thin, and I don’t believe any communication act (except maybe the act of calling yourself out on your own tendencies…but even that can be done manipulatively!) is a White Art. Everything we do involves power and manipulation in some way.

I know that sounds…well, dark. But most things we do also involve altruism and awareness. Both are true. We are social beings, and thus our brain’s entire reality is weighing and playing with our status relative to others.

Thus, what turns a Dark Art into a Grey Art is intention.

If you are using a move for the purpose of vulnerability and/or genuine connection, you are still manipulating, but probably not going to do harm.

If you are using a move unconsciously - if someone could call you on it and you would say, “No I’m not!” - then it’s probably a Dark Art.

That being said, here are 5 Dark Art-chetypes. These focus on direct power actions that occur in conversation, not indirect ones such as building coalitions behind someone’s back. I’m sure that’s a paper all its own 🙄

• The Conversational Controller

• The Dismisser

• The Attacker

• The Comforter

• The Submissive

As a lot of the Dark Arts have to do with power, here are the power positions I see each of these artchetypes adopting:

• The Conversational Controller - HIGH

• The Dismisser - HIGH

• The Attacker - HIGH

• The Comforter - EQUAL

• The Submissive - LOW

In the following sections, I’ll give a meme for each of these, acts you might see the artchetype doing, why we go into this mode, and some things you might do to interrupt your own tendency. I won’t talk about how to relate with the artchetype - that’s a longer topic for future articles, and for once, I’m trying to keep this reasonably-sized. The scope here is recognizing and working with your own tendencies.

Let’s get to it!