Working with Victim Culture: Part 1

Ain't no power distance high enough to stop me from blaming you

Note: this article is mostly about how victim culture shows up in group situations, and how to deal with it as a leader. Some of the article will be cross-applicable to 1:1 relationships.

Also, this article got too long to post in one go (did you know Substack has an email length limit? I do now!) so expect Part 2 later this week.

This is Part 1: The Social Problem, and the Making of a Victim

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I lead a weekly online event called Facilitation Fight Lab. In Fight Lab, we play out the scenarios we are most scared to have occur in leadership. Common scenarios include The Dreaded Overtalker; being challenged in one’s leadership; addressing a disengaged participant; navigating participants who are angry at each other; and more.

The scenario I get most excited about seeing, however, is the Victim.

Credit: Dall-E

A couple articles define victimization as “A state of mind in which a person feels like the world is against them” or “The belief that bad things will happen to you no matter what.”

I like a more theoretical definition. I see victimization as “The belief that one is power-under, that others are power-over, and that this power is being used against them”.

Often, the Victim shows up in a social justice context. In one scenario we played out, a woman stood up and accused the teacher of being culturally insensitive by teaching a class on meditation (an Eastern practice) in America. In another, the Asian HR manager of a company dismissed a white group leader as unsafe due to their race. The point of Fight Lab is to practice responses to these situations, from the role of leader.

HR Manager Kan on the warpath

Those examples are what I’d call identity group victimization, aka “I am justified in being power-under because I am a member of a socially power-under identity group. I can therefore call out members of socially power-over identity groups as misusing their power.”

Other forms of Victim in a group might be the person who is “always picked last” for a game (but who never seeks out partners), one who keeps “not being listened to” (but never makes a clear bid to speak), or who feels “unsafe in this exercise” because of some lack of context (but who played the entire game before bringing it up). All of these examples can come from legitimate concerns, certainly. But it’s a clear sign of victimization when the participant would rather discuss how the facilitator did wrong, rather than brainstorming or acting to fix the problem.

Of course, we all do a version of this. We want the other person to apologize before they speak their view. We get annoyed and push back when an exercise doesn’t feel “safe”, “respectful”, or “interesting”, even though these feelings are subjective. We complain to our friends and snap at our partners.

Although this article is going to be aimed at understanding and navigating the way victimization shows up in a group and how to facilitate it, I would recommend that we all read it with some humility. Question not only, “How have I seen this show up in others?” but also, “Where do my own victim tendencies come from?”, “How do I play these social games?”, and “What would I like someone to do when I get triggered in a group, and am making it others’ problem?”

First, let’s talk about…

The Social Problem

Why care about victimization? It’s an annoying trait to be around, and one that can be frustrating on a relational level. But if we could easily name the pattern and work with people on it, as we can name patterns of alcoholism or depression, then it shouldn’t be too big of a problem. Right?