Working With Victim Culture: Part 2

Do you want to play a game?

This is a two-part series on navigating with people who are showing up as “victims” in groups.

Part 1 defined what victimization is (“The belief that one is power-under, that others are power-over, and that this power is being used against oneself”), talked about why victimization is a) a problem and b) hard to navigate in the current cultural climate, and identified some sources of victim activity (emotional sensitivity, desire for care/recognition/power, desire to avoid responsibility, and past trauma + learned helplessness).

This article will discuss 1. victim actions and their payoffs, and 2. how to engage with someone showing these behaviors in groups.

Welcome to Part 2: The Victim Games

The Victim Cycle

There are lots of ways we can describe what happens when someone is playing the victim. But given my work, I prefer to put it in the form of games.

There is a wonderful book called Games People Play, by Eric Berne, which is the foundation of Transactional Analysis. Berne summarizes different social action patterns into social “games”. He further identifies what role we are playing in each of these games - the Adult, Parent, or Child. I won’t go into that part but it’s a great frame to think about: where are we taking full responsibility for ourselves (adult), others (parent), or nobody (child)?

Here are games relevant to the victim mentality. Author’s note: I have somewhat changed the descriptions of these games to make them more timely/accurate, as GPP is an old book with a rather dated view on human behavior.

Kick Me - In this game, a person has a sign on their back saying “Don’t Kick Me!” (I take this as someone who provokes others, or puts themselves in situations where they are likely to be power-under, or just sees everything as a kick.) When they are, inevitably, kicked, they can play the next game:

Ouch - This is not a Berne original, but I’m adding it. Ouch is a game where the protagonist has played Kick Me, or otherwise been subjectively oppressed. At this point they say “Ouch!” and complain about the fact that an ouch has occurred, seek redress of the feeling, or take retribution. This distracts from any focus on how to practically resolve the situation - or how to prevent the ouch from occurring in future. To support their point of view, they can play:

Wooden Leg - In this game, one participant has a “Wooden Leg”: some sort of physical, social, mental, or demographic disadvantage or power-under identity. They are given a role or responsibility and hold it inadequately. When taken to task, they respond with: “It’s not my fault; I have a wooden leg.” Then they complete the story with:

Why Does This Always Happen to Me? (WAHM) - WAHM is meant to prove that “my misfortunes are bigger than yours”. It allows the player to justify a story that they are not just a one-time victim, but a perpetual one.

These actions may either be practiced together or separately. But to pull off the quadfecta, one would choose a situation in which they might be kicked (for instance, taking on a responsibility they feel inadequate for, attending a class which they already believe to be culturally inappropriate, or developing a relationship in which they are continuously oppressed).

When the inevitable power over/under moment happens, they can play “Ouch!” and blame the person who they perceive as power-over. If challenged, they can enhance this injustice with “Wooden Leg” (It was your fault for expecting this of me, who should never have been put in this position OR of course people of my mental state/demographic/profile would feel this way), and then file the whole transaction under WAHM in order to complain about it later and retain a victim identity.

I’ll use an example from my personal life:

When I am stressed, I am prone to overcommitting. I feel like I am already failing at my responsibilities, and thus, I must take on even more of them to make sure I can show up as a Good Person who does Good Things. Because of the stressed, I get despondent, apologetic, and overwhelmed (“Kick Me”).

Sometimes, during this period, my beloved husband will make a joke or a poke at me, as he is wont to do. I will go “OUCH!” and blame him for not knowing and adapting to my emotional state. He will attempt to problem-solve for the number of commitments I’ve taken on, but instead of accepting the help, I demand that he apologize and be nicer to me.

When he does stick to his guns and point out that I am causing my overstressed situation, I sometimes play “Wooden Leg” and insist that I am a high-strung, bipolar person who is naturally bad at enforcing my own boundaries. And also I am a business owner and need to take on all of these projects; how dare you question me.

Especially if he changes tactics and begins comforting me, I can then swoon gratefully into “WAHM”: “Why does this always happen to me?? Why do people always expect me to take so many responsibilities? Why do you always poke me when I’m feeling down?”

And the cycle repeats…

Reading the above, I am laughing uncomfortably. I’m pretty sure Geof will too when he reads it. Do recommend this exercise :)

Let’s talk about other options.

What To Do About Victims In Groups